I don’t remember precisely but I think I was in the 8th grade when our school teacher told us, ” If you wish to become a successful man and lead a happy life, always remember one thing – NEVER LIE TO YOURSELF!”
My immature mind perhaps couldn’t comprehend those words back then. But all of a sudden, after all the shitty years that have passed, I find myself recollecting those words. Back then I thought how could one possibly lie to himself ! Just thought of it as some nonsensical shit that old folks are compelled to speak. It’s now that I realize the fucking reason as to why I didn’t understand it then… because I had “already” begun lying to myself!
It was kind of habit actually. It was a poor, pathetic attempt on my part at trying to fit into this hypocritical and materialistic world; becoming a hypocrite myself.
Everything I did or even thought, was fake. My favourite music band was my favourite not because I genuinely liked them but because everyone around me did! I didn’t propose the one girl I genuinely enjoyed being with just because my so-called “friends” mocked her looks. Even my decision regarding my career was shit! (Yes, I was a victim of parental pressure on this one.) But come to think of it…blaming my parents was a lousy attempt to hide the fact that I myself wasn’t sure as to what I wanted to do. (FYI I’m studying engineering and I sure as hell suck at it.)
So why this sudden enlightenment?
It was actually a movie – ‘Revolver’; Starring Jason Statham. The following dialogue from the movie struck me hard, perhaps for my own good!….
” There is something about yourself that you don’t know. Something that you will deny even exists until it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s the only reason you get up in the morning, the only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. “Fear or revere me, but please think I’m special.” We share an addiction. We’re approval junkies. We’re all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The “hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah.” Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Cos we’re just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. “
Well, so today I accept. I accept the fact that I am a hugely flawed person, with a zillion things I need to correct in order to get my life up and running. Well, I guess acceptance is the first step to redemption… Isn’t it ?